J.R.: 0:00

Hello everyone and welcome back to another fun and exciting episode of 1000 Gurus with me, your host, jr Yonakruz. Today's guest is Murphy Pines. Murphy is a multidisciplinary artist and storyteller whose work explores themes about emotions, vulnerability and authenticity. Murphy has had a broad range of experiences, spanning from their years at BuzzFeed to directing music videos, designing props on animated shows and creating a successfully funded Kickstarter. So this episode was so much fun to record and personally very insightful to me. We touch upon a lot of topics not previously explored on this show, which made it extra engaging for me. But huge trigger warning we do get into some very dark and heavy topics like death, suicide and whatnot. Murphy shares a lot about their heavy past, which was very gracious of them, but I'm also glad we were able to make the conversation a bit more digestible for the audience, since both Murphy and I have generally a more light-hearted and playful demeanor, which I feel like helps out a lot when talking about these things. But regardless, we cover topics of Murphy's career aspirations, how they've changed over time working at BuzzFeed, building community and relationships, healing from trauma and improving our relationship to nature and our bodies. I took so many notes and had a lot of insights to ponder for myself. So I hope you guys learn a lot from this episode as well. So, without further ado, hope you enjoy this episode with Murphy Pines.

J.R.: 1:29

Hello and welcome back to 1000 Gurus. Please welcome my guest, murphy Pines. Hi, I'm happy to be here. Yeah, thanks for being here. So, yeah, thank you. Thank you for stopping by. We had a pre recording or like a premeeting session beforehand just to kind of get through everything and figure out the flow, but yeah, I think it was really productive. I feel like we have a good path forward for this conversation, but yeah, so thanks for being here again.

J.R.: 1:53

So let me go into how I met you. We met through mutual friend, my friend Lyndon, who was on season one for this show, and then you've been helping me build out my relationship coaching website and then branding and all that stuff. Recently we had a photo shoot and that was a lot of fun. We'll not be showing those photos. Murphy kind of had me do some like cutesy photos for my girlfriend and yeah, they're pretty embarrassing. It's my best work. Yeah, arguably that's very subjective, but yeah, so I know you're up to a lot of different things that we'll probably get into A lot of them art related. You're a very creative person and I was happy to have you on the show because you were when we first met at the coffee shop. I think we had a really good conversation.

J.R.: 2:33

And I thought that you'd be like you're a veteran to being on a podcast You've had your own before and so I thought that you'd be a great guest for our audience, yeah our audience.

Murphy: 2:42

So, yeah, wow, that's exciting. Yeah, we had a really great conversation then.

J.R.: 2:46

Any other clarifications or stuff that you're up to that you want to talk about?

Murphy: 2:51

Yeah, I mean I've been pretty busy in the last month working on a project that was pretty, pretty impulsive. I started, I had the idea and then three days later I was signing a lease and no regrets so far.

J.R.: 3:03

Yeah, any project that starts with I signed a lease is probably going to be fun.

Murphy: 3:08

I'm terrified. I'm so scared. I'm like waking up in excitement and terror at 6am every morning. That never happens to me. So, yeah. So I mean just to actually say what I'm doing. I'm opening up a like a community creative arts space where you do like workshops and crafts and like co-working and I just honestly, just I needed an excuse to make a space where I can hang out with all my friends, so yeah, yeah, that's I love it.

J.R.: 3:34

That's also what this podcast is an excuse for me to catch up with people. So I think we're birds of a feather in that sense cool anything else.

Murphy: 3:42

that's pretty much like my, my. What's on the forefront of my mind right now? Nice?

J.R.: 3:47

All right. So I brought this little cool deck of cards created by yours truly, murphy Pines, so this was a gift and so I really appreciate it. So thank you again for this, but it is basically. Well, I have an idea, but would you like to explain what this deck of cards is?

Murphy: 4:03

Yeah, okay. So a few years ago I made a Kickstarter campaign because while I was in lockdown, I just decided to draw like one thing every day in the same format. And then a friend of mine was like you could turn this into a deck because I had about 50 cards. And I was like maybe I should. And so I did the scary thing and made a Kickstarter and it just, yeah, it took off and I was able to get it funded twice, almost twice over Dang, that's crazy. And so it's. Basically I wrote out a list of 50 different ways that I tools I use to feel better or just navigate difficult feelings, so I paired the drawings with the words and came up with this deck. It's called the I'm here Deck. I'm here.

Murphy: 4:46

Because, it's here for you, yeah.

J.R.: 4:48

I'll link everything so you can check it out if you are interested in getting your own deck. And so it has these really cool, cute-looking drawings and stuff like that. The card's really nice. It's kind of shiny and laminated on the side.

J.R.: 5:00

So this is for the people listening and they don't like know what I'm holding, but it's kind of like tarot cards, sort of like length cards, right, and then all the drawings in the front, and then I guess this is the one. There was two decks that you gave me. One of them was mostly like images, but this one has like words and, I guess, intention. So I thought it'd be nice to go through the deck and pull out something as like a intention for this episode and see, since it's also related, yeah, would you like to pull? It doesn't make sense for me to just do this and then you can pull one, or what do you want? I would love for.

Murphy: 5:33

Usually, sometimes I'll let other people pull cards. We could also take turns pulling cards, okay. Okay, how about uh-huh? Is you just pull from the top? You could pull from the top or bottom, or sometimes you shuffle until something pops out. But I, yeah, let's do. Maybe we could just like fan it out and then pick one for each other.

J.R.: 5:50

That's what I thought. Okay, it's like kind of like a magic trick show yeah, yeah, it's like all right, here's your destiny. It's my destiny. Good thing, I am a expert card shark and I actually made you pull that one.

Murphy: 6:00

I'm just kidding oh, we, we'll see Imagine. Oh okay, very seasonally appropriate. What does it say? It says bloom. It's time to blossom into yourself. Okay.

Murphy: 6:13

Just like all the flowers that are blooming in the spring. Yeah, that's definitely a card that's speaking to me, because it's also a card about potential energy. Right, when you're like a bud and you're just like it doesn't look like anything's happening, but there's a lot happening on the inside and it's you're taking all this time to prepare and prepare and eventually it just explodes. You know it pops open and you're like, wow, I'm here. Yeah, and that's how it's been feeling like these days oh yeah, so you feel like it really resonates, definitely.

J.R.: 6:41

and then, like in this, there's like a guidebook in here that kind of has an explanation, if I'm not wrong, of each kind of card. Yeah, yeah, that was pretty cool. Yeah. So you fan this one out, and then I pull one. Yeah, yeah.

Murphy: 6:52

Okay, do that? Okay, great, great. Yeah, I wanted to make an oracle deck that feels like a hug from a friend. I like it, yeah.

J.R.: 7:01

We love hugs from friends. It's true. Even if they are flat card-based friends.

Murphy: 7:05

Yeah, flat friends, flat friends. That's what I'm going to call these cards Nice.

J.R.: 7:10

I like the side lamination, like the yeah the rainbow yeah. It's very-. I'm almost on shrooms, not that I know what that's like.

Murphy: 7:18

So mine Nice.

J.R.: 7:36

Mine says look outside. So for the viewers, I guess you'll have to get your own deck and see. It says maybe we've been staying inside a box. What's outside and what's possible? I kind of like it. It's like potential or like thinking about what is beyond the space that I've been focusing on and going beyond that, because there's probably a lot more out there.

Murphy: 7:51

Yeah, yeah, definitely we do put ourselves in boxes. We're trained to do that a lot of times.

J.R.: 7:57

And then we go out in a box.

Murphy: 7:58

Yay.

J.R.: 7:59

Oh yay, If not cremated.

Murphy: 8:03

Getting emo here, yes.

J.R.: 8:05

All right, so let's jump into the topics you ready, okay. So first one. We already went through this beforehand, but it is like origin story, main influences, current career trajectory and aspirations. I like to have the audience get to know my guest, the TLDR sort of thing, and we can dive deeper into what makes the most sense. But main questions where did you grow up? What? We can dive deeper into what makes the most sense, but main questions where did you grow up? What were your main influences and how have your life aspirations changed over time, from when you were young to where you are today?

Murphy: 8:31

Okay, cool, cool, let's start. My origins my villain origins. Villain origins sorry, I grew up in Hong Kong.

J.R.: 8:45

I was born in New York and then moved around a bunch and then landed in Hong Kong for about 10 years from the age of 10 to 18, which isn't 10 years, but yeah, like around that time Pretty formative, then yeah, yeah, definitely.

Murphy: 8:51

And I lived three years in Korea too, and yeah, I just jumped around a lot because my family was moving. I went to six different high schools, I believe and like middle schools, elementary schools, and then lived in three different continents countries, I'm not sure. Um, yeah and it yeah definitely I moved 16 times houses wise, so very good at moving, made me great at adapting to things and not so great at maintaining relationships.

J.R.: 9:21

Past two years I I see I see You're like I'm used to things changing up, so I think this is a little bit too long yeah.

Murphy: 9:28

Yeah, no, I'd have a best friend for a year and then it would just be like, yeah, I'm okay now. Yeah, we're good.

J.R.: 9:35

I like that. I've never thought about having a lease on friends.

Murphy: 9:40

It's a very new thing for me to have friends for over 10 years.

J.R.: 9:43

It's a very new thing for me to have friends for over 10 years and you said you is this the longest you've stayed in an area?

Murphy: 9:49

Oh yeah definitely, I moved here 2014.

J.R.: 9:55

Okay, yeah, 11.

Murphy: 9:56

About 11 years Okay.

J.R.: 9:57

And so I guess what were your career or life aspirations when you were younger? And then comparing it to like today, oh man.

Murphy: 10:06

Okay, so in middle school I had two interests, three interests, so it was I wanted to design chairs, specifically chairs, design chairs. Yeah, I just wanted to be a product designer for chairs and then quickly changed to media and advertising and like that. Like I just loved gorilla advertising and psychology, social experiments and things, and you say gorilla advertising, yeah, gorilla kind of like gorilla warfare. But so you're just using, like, different tactics to get people's attention and stuff could you give us an example of that I'm not familiar.

Murphy: 10:40

There's it's like creative out of the box kind of thing. So one I can think of from that I remember seeing on the internet ages ago was like you know how glass elevators will do this thing where there's layers right, and so the glass elevator would have an Oreo on it and there would be a glass of milk on the bottom floor and so it would just dunk every time the elevator goes down. It's like things that are hidden in plain sight are kind of playful and things like that. Yeah, that's how I see girl advertising.

J.R.: 11:10

Okay, sorry, I cut you off.

Murphy: 11:12

So then, chairs girl advertising, and then naturally that led to film, film studies, like in my high school course. And then I went to film school where I was like, yeah, I went to film school because, like the natural path to success for that would be to be a successful Hollywood director who wins Oscars, so that for a while that was like, yeah, that's what I'm going to do.

J.R.: 11:35

Do you have like inspirations that kind of made you want to pursue that? Or was it just inherently about the film industry that you wanted to be a part of?

Murphy: 11:43

A little bit of both. So part of of it was just, it was the natural. It felt like the course that I was set to go on. I didn't really question it that much until later on in college and also because I just grew up with a lot of like most of my quality time with my family was watching movies and TV shows, and so I really liked Pixar at the time RIP and yeah, I think I really liked Pixar at the time RIP and yeah, I think I really wanted to work at Pixar or any, yeah, just one of those big companies. And yeah, for some reason, when I entered film school, I had the choice of given the choice of either doing animation or film, and I knew I would be good at animation, so I chose film. So I knew it was going to be way too easy for me.

J.R.: 12:25

Oh, I see, okay. So you wanted like the challenge or the growth opportunity?

Murphy: 12:29

Yeah, otherwise I would be stuck in a room very comfortably and not talk to anybody ever again.

J.R.: 12:34

You don't like comfortable rooms where you don't talk to people.

Murphy: 12:38

I like it too much, unfortunately, oh I see, I see.

J.R.: 12:41

Okay. So then any more sort of inflection points that led you to where you are today, and then the next question after that is what are your current, until the future, aspirations? I mean, can you repeat that yeah, yeah so any other big major influences that kind of guided you towards this. I don't know if there were turning points that like oh, I made a hard pivot at this point in time, or, oh, this thing happened. And then I saw something different yeah, oh yeah, for sure.

Murphy: 13:08

Later in college I, the academy awards, came to do a presentation and a sizzle showed us a sizzle reel and a trailer of the Oscars to a group of college students and I was like, oh, this is bullshit, I don't want an Oscar anymore, I don't want that so what about? What about it like made you feel that way? Because I think, because I was such a, I knew so much about marketing and all that stuff already. I was like why?

J.R.: 13:30

am I being?

Murphy: 13:30

marketed to and that kind of devalued it for me, where I was like what are you trying to sell me? You're just like a bunch of white dudes like making judgments on art. I don't need that.

Murphy: 13:41

I see, I see, I see yeah, and then eventually I got into. I moved out here to LA to get into Hollywood. And then the natural everybody at film school would tell me, because I went to film school in New York, they were like you're supposed to get on a desk, you're supposed to be an assistant to somebody who works in Hollywood. And I was a shit assistant. I was so bad, like in what way? I just I no organizational skills. I was. I'm pretty sure I have ADHD, so it's just like all over the place wrong coffee orders wrong coffee orders stuttering, saying really awkward things on the phone, like not being able to follow certain protocol, just because I forgot.

Murphy: 14:22

And eventually, after a month of being an assistant my friend, he's my friend now but my boss fired me after a month. I was like I'm so sorry, but we needed a functioning assistant. And so I was like, oh, I'm cooked, because that's all. There is right the path. And he was like my boss was like gave me the best advice I ever got, which was never work at a desk again. And instead I followed that path of okay, well, how can I challenge that? And so I applied to BuzzFeed. I got in there and it sent me on a different path.

J.R.: 14:57

Okay, so at that point got into BuzzFeed. What were you doing there? And then what was the pivot, or I guess, what was that journey like?

Murphy: 15:06

at buzzfeed I made. I got rid of my fear of making things because you were. We were constantly churning out content every day, like it was like two somewhere between two to five pieces of content a week and it definitely made me jaded.

Murphy: 15:23

I was very tired and grumpy about it and it also made me really hungry to develop my own artistic voice, because they made it very hard for you to have your own artistic voice is it because they wanted you to like follow their script or their like path, or what they wanted to produce partially that it was like a branding thing, and it was also this save your best work for buzzfeed, kind of thing, or I mean, yeah, a lot of people made a why I left buzzfeed oh right, right, remember that yeah I never made one because I was let go with like a bunch of people and I just didn't really have the energy to.

J.R.: 16:00

But you know there are a lot of reasons to both love and hate buzzfeed, and part of it was that they were very unfairly treating their producers I see, I see, okay, so then left buzzfeed and then you felt like you now you got over that sort of doing and creating thing and now you want to do your own thing. So what was the next step after that?

Murphy: 16:21

relancing, which was terrifying, and yeah, it was basically like training wheels are off and now I gotta self-promote, which is also scary as heck, and then yeah. I think it was a matter of trusting myself, and I think in that process I decided to start writing comics and posting them on Instagram just as a way for me to process my own feelings, but it ended up being a really good way for me to develop the skills needed to like tell really succinct stories and also capture specific feelings and like explore them and that kind of fed into my current sort of artistic voice theme that keeps coming up, which is feelings and art.

J.R.: 17:05

Yeah, I like it. So I guess in an well, I know you're doing a lot of different things, but how would you? I don't want to say, label yourself, but what are the things that you're doing now? And then, what is in store for you in the future? What do you aspire to do?

Murphy: 17:22

So, after my Kickstarter and then, like now, at this point, like something that I think we were talking about earlier, if the past, if past me, found out what I was doing now for my day job and then what I mostly do day to day, they think I was a failure. Like, why would you, why aren't you at the oscar recycling? Why aren't you hanging out with the celebrities? Because I'm hanging out with cooler people and I love my life. I'm no longer chasing something that is defined by what other people view is valuable, because I define it for myself. And, yeah, like in my day-to-day now I just I do what I do to pay the bills, which currently, for me, is like social media content creation, and then the rest of my time I spend building out my dreams, which has changed over time.

Murphy: 18:16

It's no longer about like monetary gain or I mean, that's also pretty nice.

J.R.: 18:22

I like money. Yeah, I'll just do things Exactly.

Murphy: 18:26

But it's the things that I want to do with that money has changed. Now I just want to mostly just give it away to all my friends, like I just want to share it. That's my, my future dream is just to be able to like, share, like abundance, with friends and one of my steps I'm taking for that goal is to create a space like a community space, creative space, where everyone can hang out and be creative together.

J.R.: 18:49

Yeah, I like it. So this might segue into the next thing. But the last thing on this topic and I put this in quotes because you mentioned it in the form which is how queerness informs how I love my life. So would you like to elaborate on that, steven?

Murphy: 19:03

Yeah absolutely so. One of the big major pivots that I hadn't mentioned yet, which is like kind of both informed my artistic and personal life, is that I realized I was queer at BuzzFeed, which makes a lot of sense and then, yeah, that was like 27.

Murphy: 19:20

I was 27, which is pretty late bloomer, but yeah, I've been pretty pretty much on autopilot my whole life, defining who I was based on, what other people expected of me other people, meaning my parents, and then the process of coming out like in that process they decided to disown me and that was incredibly difficult, but also the best thing that ever happened to me, because it made me. It forced me to really realize what I had been neglecting, which was just who I was and like my authenticity I barely knew. Like my favorite color was like I. When you're on autopilot, your room looks like shit. You're not taking care of yourself. You're classic taking care of yourself, your classic trans story. Actually A lot of people like that who are like.

Murphy: 20:07

I was just. I didn't know what I was doing. I was just floating through life and I realized I was queer and then years later I knew I was figured out, I was trans and so now I'm like I went from being trans masc more like masculine, heavily masculine, and then I went back to the middle because I think that's where I'm the most comfortable. I like being androgynous and confusing.

J.R.: 20:30

We like confusion For ourselves and for others. So maybe you answered this, but what? So I'm curious on elaborating on the last part, which is like how I love my life. So I guess, if I'm trying to understand correctly, so kind of identity, this thing that we all struggle with, and figuring out who we are, and self-awareness. So then, once you've found that comfort space of where you think you are, where you think you belong, how has that informed how you love your life? Maybe you touched upon it, but I'm just digging deeper.

Murphy: 20:59

Maybe there's nothing there but oh yeah, there's definitely a lot there. I think that the part about autopilot, it's this idea that you're not questioning anything in your life, you're just, oh, this is what you're supposed to do. For example, something that caused me a lot of anxiety in my early relationships was that I grew up being told if your boyfriend doesn't buy you at least a dozen roses for Valentine's Day, he doesn't think you're worthy of love. And so it's this weird thing where I didn't give a shit about roses, but every time Valentine's Day rolls around, I would feel like a nervous school teacher grading papers. I was like you better succeed in this, otherwise my parents aren't going to be happy, it's not even me.

Murphy: 21:40

And then these days I'm like fuck all the rules, like none of this. It's like waking up from the Matrix. You're like wait a minute, I can just be whoever I want and I can also navigate relationships the way that two people truly want to authentically and not what they're expected of. Yeah, people truly want to authentically and not what they're expected of yeah. So that's how my queerness informs my life decisions, including androgyny, where all of a sudden, all the gendered rules are gone. I don't have to be the one opening doors for people on a date, but I could. There's this idea of do I want to do it? That's the important question, not, should I?

J.R.: 22:20

I see. So it's like stepping into your authenticity and realizing that all these constraints put on us by either society or family or friends or whatever that was so constricting because it didn't feel right, and we're kind of just, like you said, going on autopilot and it's really freeing in that sense and then you can love more right yourself and other people. I like that a lot. All so let's. It's not really a pivot, but you mentioned community and community building a lot. So my next question is how do you approach community? What role does it play in your life and why is it important? Maybe some of this is intuitive to you and the audience, but you could elaborate on that.

Murphy: 22:55

Yeah, community has become the most important aspect of my life for me. Become the most important aspect of my life for me and I think part of it was when I started therapy, like about seven or eight years ago. One of the big questions was what's your support network? And my therapist was like helping me build out a support network that isn't just my partner, and that really helped a lot, because I found myself going from relationship to relationship and just latching onto to whatever they had.

Murphy: 23:23

So their friends became my friends and once we broke up it was like I was just left stranded, gone yeah.

J.R.: 23:29

Yeah.

Murphy: 23:29

And so I really spent a lot of time building friendships all over, like from all different backgrounds. I just wanted to create that sense of oh, I'm connected to this web of people and also like more than human, like friends, our pets, trees that are in our neighborhood. They're all part of our relationships and part of the community.

J.R.: 23:54

So many things you touched on that are future questions in this list, so we'll see how much we get to. So you mentioned in the form codependent relationship pattern, so that might be a good kind of next idea. But what ideas do you have on this topic and what do you think the audience might gain some insights from?

Murphy: 24:11

oh man, yeah, that was one of the biggest points that, like I was tackling during therapy was like realizing how easy I get enmeshed in relationships and lose myself. That happened a lot with even my relationship to my dog. I was like starting to like the edges were blurring and I was like, oh, you are an extension of me and therefore I need to be controlling everything that you do. And, yeah, I started letting go of a lot of that, realized that a lot of that stems from early childhood trauma.

Murphy: 24:43

Like. I grew up getting used to having somebody else define my value and worth for me, and I would have to predict everybody's mood in order to win affection and love and even a right to be alive. And so unlearning. That is a process, and part of it is that healing doesn't mean you're suddenly what's the word? Invulnerable to all of the triggers that you had. You're still going to get triggered. It's just a matter of now. You have tools to get out of it and recognize what happened and just make sense of it and make it part of your story.

J.R.: 25:23

What is one of the things that you feel like you've learned in that process that helped you a lot, that you think someone could benefit from if they're?

Murphy: 25:32

in a similar situation.

Murphy: 25:35

I would say, if you find yourself in a pattern of codependency which a lot of us, I'm still in a cycle of that that I'm continuing to untangle Self-compassionependency which a lot of us, I'm still in a cycle of that that I'm continuing to untangle Self-compassion very important because a lot of shame comes up whenever you recognize the cycle and that's happening. And then it's both self-compassion and, I think, curiosity is extremely important in that when you approach something with curiosity, it minimizes the fear that comes up. It's curiosity, I wouldn't say, kills fear but tames it.

J.R.: 26:08

Right, or at the very least, refocuses your attention right, so that you're now. Fear might still be there, but at least you're focused on the thing that you want to be focused on. Could you elaborate on this idea of redefining how we look at and organize relationships?

Murphy: 26:24

Yeah, I think it ties into the idea of queerness too, like querying the way that we approach relationships in life. I've been a practicing like relationship anarchist and solo polyamorous for a long time, which sounds really intense, but basically it's just being like I'm going to define what I want and what other people in relationship to me want in the most authentic way possible, and so, yeah, you said relationship anarchist.

J.R.: 26:55

It almost sounds like a joke, but, like you know, I'm like, oh, that sounds kind of funny, but what is so you're saying just basically not being defined by these normal rules, or like figuring out what works for both of you, or sort of thing? It means burn the whole system down. Right, Okay, everyone's relationship. You know what? Screw your marriage. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Murphy: 27:15

Screw societal norms next generation, which is like, essentially part of it, but in a more. I don't approach it in that. What's the word? Intensity is that? I think the main point of all of that is that everybody is has agency and autonomy and the right to express what they want and then yeah, and that can look like anything.

Murphy: 27:37

You could be monogamous and a relationship anarchist. You can be non-monogamous and a relationship anarchist. You can even be asexual and aromantic and never have be in like a romantic relationship in a traditional sense and still be that. It's more of a philosophy and an approach to relationships, more than anything.

J.R.: 27:55

I see Okay. Anything else on redefining how we look at organized relationships? Any thoughts that we might have missed?

Murphy: 28:03

For me, what's really changed my life about this approach to life is that I've de-centered romance in my life in pretty big ways, where I A I've started romanticizing everything, which is really fun. Actually, it's really nice.

J.R.: 28:19

How does that?

Murphy: 28:20

manifest. What do you? Mean by that. It's like seeing this overwhelming beauty in every moment in my life and in every relationship, whether romantic or platonic or whatever else. So, like I just find it, everything is just meaningful and special, including my like morning talks with my, when I run into one of my neighbors. That's yeah. It's seeing everything in a poetic way. Yeah. Hmm.

J.R.: 28:45

I like that a lot. It reminds me of and maybe this is my own weird connection. But what? Is that movie. It's called that one movie with Rachel McAdams. Maybe it's time travelers, why from? Maybe it's one of those other ones where it's no dude. He can go back in time, do you?

J.R.: 29:00

know what I'm talking about when he can go back in time About time, About time. That one, Okay, two time ones, Anyways. So, yeah, so the big takeaway I got from that movie is like the dude can go back and forward him back in time and it's only the guys in his family or something like that, and he lives his life. But he learns from his dad that the best way to do it is to live those days the first time and experience what it's like, but then go back and now experience it with more gratitude and love and that completely changes how you experience your life.

J.R.: 29:33

And obviously we don't have the ability to go back in time and relive days, but I thought it was a very good lesson or takeaway or like theme, which is you don't have the ability to go back, but you can appreciate the day as if it was the second time you're going through it. So I really like that idea and it reminds me of that. And something I wish I could do more of is sometimes you get into our own heads and we get frustrated by those things or we don't really appreciate what we have in front of us, and then maybe retrospectively we think about wow, that was such a great month or day or week or year, but then it's like you could just appreciate it in the moment. But it's so hard to do you know, yeah.

Murphy: 30:04

yeah, I mean if I may get a little dark here. Do it, we were all emo kids once.

Murphy: 30:11

Yeah, I think it was definitely tough going through what I did with my parents and stuff. There was low points where, pretty much up until like maybe the last few years, I've been like more consistently suicidal and every time I have a close call, it's almost it is like having a new lease on life when you realize, oh my god, wait, there's still so many things that are calling my name. There's all these reasons to be, to stay, and one of the cool things I heard from my own subconscious, like one of those like hypnosis classes, where they were like, yeah, take 10 steps down the stairs and open the door, what do you see? Kind of thing.

Murphy: 30:49

And it was like your higher self has a message for you. What is it? And just whatever, the first thing that pops up in your head is the message For me. It was like my higher self was like you can leave anytime, anytime, you can leave anytime. And I was like, oh, you're right, so why won't I stick around and find out what happens? Why not? And that made me a lot more of a whimsical person than I used to be Interesting.

J.R.: 31:18

So it's hey, the exit's always there, so why don't you just stay and have? Fun or something like that I like it.

Murphy: 31:21

Yeah, step into the unknown. That's why I have this tattoo. I don't know how to show it. It's a portal and it's kind of like in tarot there's the fool card. It's like this jester type that's going off into an adventure. That's how I like to approach life.

J.R.: 31:36

Okay, so a similar vein. So last night I was playing this card game called how deep will you go, so one of those question card games you play with friends and you pull a question, and it's like levels, of like depth. And so I was playing with my friend and the card that we pulled one of the cards we pulled last night was like why are you? What keeps you going? Or like why have you continued on? And so it was my question, meaning I was supposed to answer it, and my friend was like wait, does this mean? Like why haven't you offed yourself?

J.R.: 32:05

and I interpret this question as what motivates you right but then in retrospect I was like it does kind of sound like why haven't you offed yourself yet thanks cards? I was trying to get to know my friend and now you're making me question my existence why are you still here?

Murphy: 32:17

why are you exactly my?

J.R.: 32:17

cards are saying why are you still here? I don't know, bro. Okay. My cards are saying why are you still here? I don't know, bro. Okay, you know what? I'm just playing a game, I don't know. I thought that was pretty timely and relevant. Okay, let's see. On that note. So one of the things that's in the list is or questions I had for you is how do you approach this idea of quote unquote healing from trauma and any parts you think that people might get wrong or insights that might help people to navigate their own like journey of healing from trauma?

Murphy: 32:46

Yeah, that's definitely a really good question. I think I touched on a little bit earlier where it's when you heal, you don't heal from your triggers and you're suddenly free from all the symptoms of trauma. That's baked into the wiring of who we are and that's kind of part of the acceptance of it.

Murphy: 33:02

That's something I've been on a journey of, is the idea of grace keeps coming up, that you accept something with this sense of peace and be like, oh, this is something that happens sometimes and I'm able to be like, okay, that happened without judgment. And then be like how do I move forward with this? There is this whole industry around healing where it's you gotta be like how do I move forward with this? There is this whole industry around healing where it's you got to be better, you got to level up, like upgrade, be the best version of yourself, higher self, like all these. No, just be the best that you can be in the moment that you can and keep going and don't give up. That's all there is to it.

Murphy: 33:37

And it doesn't have to be this like grand goal. At the the end of the day, what it is is just finding a sense of presentness and groundedness and peace as much as you can. And of course, there's going to be things disrupting me, because that's part of life. You where, I don't know, maybe we're in a glass jar or something and people shake it. There's no control over that, but what we do have control over is how we navigate it afterwards.

J.R.: 34:08

So my question is how do you approach then, getting to that point where you can more control or have this sort of peace and acceptance and grace? Because I'm thinking as an audience member easier said than done, obviously, and I would like to get to that place, but do you have any thoughts or tips or advice on how to get to that point?

Murphy: 34:27

Yeah, well, there's that path can look different for anybody. For me it was a mixture of slightly concerning spiritual awakening stuff, like where I was like I'm going to astral projection.

J.R.: 34:38

Oh, this is where the mushrooms come in. That's how these cards are designed.

Murphy: 34:45

Surprisingly, I didn't take hallucinogens until very recently, but I did do a lot of different types of meditation and stuff early on, kind of stuff you do when you hit rock bottom and look for some kind of meaning. And yeah, I think it was this long process of very messy just being messy I'm still messy. And then, yeah, like for me, I've done stuff like some things that were effect, something that were effective was like spell work. So I started doing like practicing different kind of magical practices and rituals that are very specifically designed for me and meaningful to me, and so things like inner child healing. I have meditated and traveled back in time, either figuratively or literally, however you choose to look at it to my past self. I met my past self and gave them a hug in a moment that they really needed it and to me that the emotional release that came from that was very real. Maybe I did create a time paradox, who knows? Maybe I'm Rachel McAdams. Don't we all want to be Rachel McAdams?

J.R.: 35:48

Yeah, yeah, I like that. It's funny because, wow, last night I was having a conversation with the same friend playing the same card game and it was like I don't know what the question was, but I was telling her that one of the reflections that I have is oh, we're talking about like our younger self to our current self could travel back in time to meet my younger self, let's say my 11 or 12 year old self, because my current self I know myself pretty well. I do a lot of daily reflections, so I know where my mind is at. But I would love to go back to, like my sixth grade self and open up my mind and figure out what my motivations were. And I broke it down to this, explaining how I can probably look back and think of, okay, during this time in my life, these were the focus points because I was thinking about school or girls or this sort of thing, or dancing, so I can put together maybe what my motivations were.

J.R.: 36:46

But I don't really have a slice of, I don't have journal entries from back then, like I started in high school, not in, like middle school. So I can pick my brain from those periods, but not from when I didn't have anything recorded. So I was like I really wish I could talk to my younger self and I wouldn't even say anything. I would just want to listen, just to understand my younger self and I would imagine maybe I'm similar, but I still don't really know, because it was so long ago. And it's just crazy because you bring that up and I'm like wow, I was just talking about this last night.

Murphy: 37:13

Yeah, yeah, that's really interesting. I do think about the idea that there is an unchanging part of us that is like the core of who we are, and sometimes it gets lost in the noise of and the trauma of growing up and that, like fundamental part of us, is still somewhere in here.

J.R.: 37:31

Yeah, have you. Well, I know you said you moved around a lot, but have you ever had that experience where you reconnected with someone from way long time ago and they gave you perspective on how they saw you back then and either it's changed or it's not changed? But, like, for me it was like my high school reunion and it was like a 10 year right, and so I was meeting with my high school classmates and they were like man, jared, you have not changed in a good way, like meaning obviously we're all older and wiser, but like, fundamentally I was a similar person, like lighthearted, fun, a little bit deep, philosophical, but generally just like playful and stuff like that, and I really enjoyed that. I really appreciated how I'm like wow, I'm pretty consistent, like nothing, I'm glad that nothing crazy happened in my life where I'm just completely flipped. But it was nice to get that reflection back at me, where they're like yeah, you're the same person. I was like nice, but I don't know if you had that experience or anything similar.

Murphy: 38:23

Yeah, I have met up with one of my friends from high school that like, yeah, I hadn't seen in person in a long time, and we met up, like she visited me maybe a couple years ago. She was like, yeah, remember when you were like the school talent show, you went up and just sang gloria gainers, I will survive, it's a good song, it's a great song. But she was like I don't know your song choice and just your complete what's? Lack of self-consciousness. Like she was like, oh, you don't give a fuck. And I was like, yeah, actually I just did whatever I felt like, and I think that part hasn't changed at all. I really could give less of a fuck what other people think about my decisions, which is really funny. I do think that there are parts of me that have changed. Externally and otherwise I think I've become a more confident person, but fundamentally I think that I have always been a weirdo and a fucking freak.

J.R.: 39:21

Great, hey, we love weirdos. We're all weirdos, right? It's just what kind of standards are you holding yourself to, I think? Last thing I want to ask on this topic is maybe pick and choose your adventure. One is can our relationship to nature transform how we love each other? And the second one is the idea of creating the world we want to see by living in it, instead of waiting for permission. If you want to elaborate on that, or either one of those two.

Murphy: 39:44

Okay, so with something I've been navigating, learning and embracing recently, maybe in the last few years, is my relationship to nature. I've grown up in most of like very urban, like environments and cities for a long time, and so I haven't really been like a nature person, but I enjoyed it and I've been more actively learning about nature. I've started gardening and the more you learn about it, the more like the separation disappears where it's no longer this niche topic, it's not a hobby or a lifestyle. It's what we should be focusing on. It's where we learn the most from the wisdom. Our body is nature, it's made of nature and something I brought the book actually but there's a book that's been really blowing my mind called returning home to our bodies by Abigail Rose Clarkark, and talks about our like relationship to our body and the wisdom that it already holds in the way that it works. Like biologically, like cell membranes are both create a boundary, but it's also semi-permeable, so it lets things in and you can apply that to the way that we navigate relationships.

J.R.: 40:56

Do you have any other examples on that's, removing the boundary between you and nature and or, I guess, our body?

Murphy: 41:03

Yeah, I think one of the books that really changed my views about that was Braiding Sweetgrass. That's on my list. Yeah, highly recommend it. And it's this just what's the word like? It reframes everything in a way where, oh, this is who we're supposed to like, this is what we forgot. In the whole mess of industrialization, colonization and all these things, we have become separated from what is essentially, I think, a collective organism.

Murphy: 41:36

We're all supposed to be connected to all of these, all of the life around us including rocks and trees and all these things, and it actually helps me a lot, even with loneliness. I don't feel as lonely anymore because now I talk to trees as tree-huggery as that sounds, that is actually part of it. We are in relation with trees, we're in relation with the grass, with the dandelion that you see on the ground, and they're all friends. I like taking my morning walks and flirting with the flowers that are nearby.

J.R.: 42:08

Good looking. Yeah, how's your morning?

Murphy: 42:11

Hey cutie. I'm going to be such a weird old person Like it. Yeah, so nature is family.

J.R.: 42:22

Nice. I think I've already admitted this on the podcast, but, like, my dream one day is to essentially be a tree hugger, but to live in nature or forest and be disconnected from social media, specifically, but also the greater society, and just be more at peace and one with nature. But in a sense of, I know, because it's obvious, when any of us go outside and touch grass or be in a park or go somewhere where it is naturey, we do feel better and it feels natural. And I think once you have that self-awareness or attunement with your body, then you can be like, yeah, being in nature is really feels good and it feels natural. So I do aspire to do that one day. One day. So, yeah, maybe we'll be flirting with the flowers together as my dream, sorry. So anything else on this the last thing, which is creating the world that we want to see by living it instead of waiting for permission I don't know if you've touched on it already but oh yeah, that definitely links back to my approach to queerness too.

Murphy: 43:22

And being trans is I no longer follow the rules, right, which means I'm like how do I want my body to look and feel? You can customize your character however you want. And when I found out that I can change the pitch of my voice with like hormone therapy, I was okay, let's do it, let's go, and I'm just happier now I can. I like how my voice sounds in a way that that discomfort is gone. And I think that a lot of people have different kinds of discomforts that they're scared to explore because it's not normal or that's seen as standard. And I think that trans people especially are the living embodiments of oh, we can create our own world and live it even if, like, there is no pre-existing framework for it, we're like, nah, I'm here anyways.

Murphy: 44:15

So, including the world that we want to see, where I want to see a world that's like beyond capitalism, beyond all these kind of frameworks, beyond imperialism and these systems of harm and extraction, I want there to be a world where we exist, where we don't have to money isn't part of the equation where we can just be there for each other and help each other for the sake of it, and there are ways to do that. Now you can help somebody without expecting anything in return. There, you have it. You did it. That world is now real for you, yeah, and you just keep doing that and the world will change.

J.R.: 44:54

I like it. You just keep doing that and the world will change. I like it. It what you're talking about reminding me of. You know in video games, where you can character select but then people buy their own skins and modify their characters. It's like most of us are like okay, you get to choose from one or two characters, and then it seems like trans people's like well, we can customize our person as much as we want. This is way more fun I'm like oh wait, actually that sounds more fun than just picking, one or two exactly I like it nice.

Murphy: 45:20

Any last thoughts on that topic before we move to rapid fire yeah, I mean, the quickest way to changing the world is just living it. Yeah, be the change you want to see there you go.

J.R.: 45:32

yeah, I was thinking of the quote that's on seven leaves, which is be the change you want to see Attributed to Gandhi. But if you read it it's like because okay weird tangent. Have you ever been to Seven Leaves? No.

J.R.: 45:46

Okay, so it's just a boba shop, right. And then it has the quote that was not what I was expecting. Yeah, so there's a poster, right. It says be the change you want to see in the world. But it's designed like those vision tests where the first line is big and the second line is smaller and smaller, so it's like that. But it's because it's one line. It's like be the change. So it's like cut off. So I always read it weird like that. I'm sorry, this is a peek into my brain. It's our version of live laugh. Exactly. Okay, Rapid fire, Cool.

Murphy: 46:20

First one billboard question, If you could put up a sign for millions of people to see. What would it say Slow down. Slow down, slow the heck down, you know what? Even stop, sometimes, like on the freeway. Yeah, yeah, anarchist, traffic anarchist. I meant it when I said burn it all down, there you go I like it.

J.R.: 46:36

That's it Okay. Cool Next one. What is the?

Murphy: 46:40

hardest challenge you faced and what did you learn from it? Whoa, rapid fire, hardest challenge I faced and how I dealt with it? Probably like navigating what I thought would be my worst nightmare, which is losing my parents, and then surviving it and realizing, oh, I mean, sometimes I think, oh, nothing scares me anymore because that was my worst nightmare. For the longest time I was disappointing my parents and I'm like, oh, I'm still here and my life is great. Yeah.

J.R.: 47:11

Self-inflicted wound? Do you have a story about something that's gone wrong in your life? That was your own fault and you can't blame anyone else?

Murphy: 47:17

Interesting, I would say. I don't know why self-inflicted wound made me think of this, but obviously there are causes for it. But I was bulimic for a long time, not that I mean I don't want to victim blame, but there is like the idea of taking responsibility for the wounds that you carry, especially the ones that you end up causing yourself because of the past wounds. And I, yeah, for about two or three years I was bulimic and then I have haven't had a relapse in a very long time and it's because I was able to forgive myself for it and I had to take responsibility for what I did to myself, because once you do something to hurt yourself, that's still a relationship and you have to. There's going to be a part of you that's mad that you did that and another part of you that wants to be forgiven.

J.R.: 48:10

Yeah, I like it. If you could redo one thing. What would you do differently? And I guess the other side of the coin is if you could redo one thing what would you do differently?

Murphy: 48:20

And I guess the other side of the coin is if you could give your younger self advice, what would it be now? Weirdly, nothing. I don't have any regrets in how I've moved through life and of course I've made mistakes. But I think one of my ex's mom said this what was it? Any decision you make was the best decision you could make, given the information you had at the time.

Murphy: 48:36

Any decision, you make was the best decision you could make, given the information you had at the time, and so if I were to go back, and tell my past self anything, it would just be thank you, and you're going to make it through this.

J.R.: 48:48

In the last few years, what new belief, behavior or habit has improved your life?

Murphy: 48:52

Building community, hanging out with friends a lot yeah, those two things definitely I like it.

J.R.: 48:59

How do you define success, friends?

Murphy: 49:03

Just have lots of friends, be friend rich and also be good friends with yourself.

J.R.: 49:11

So value friendship and nurture and cultivate those relationships, especially with yourself. Value friendship and nurture and cultivate those relationships, especially with yourself. If you knew you couldn't fail, what would you try or be doing right now? And the opposite is, if you knew you absolutely would fail what would you still be doing?

Murphy: 49:29

Opening this community space For both? Yeah, for both. It's the scariest thing I've ever done so far and I'm all for it whether or not it crashes and burns or if it takes off.

J.R.: 49:40

Lovely. What's something you've been pondering recently or something you think about often deeply, or what is a favorite hot take you have that you feel like most people won't agree with?

Murphy: 49:52

Something I've been pondering deeply is resisting categorization and labeling, where I think there's a lot of impulses to put ourselves in boxes, me included. I do that a lot where I'm like, even with gender. I'm like am I genderqueer, am I genderfluid, am I like this or that? It's endless and it's comforting and there's a purpose for it. At the same time, it is limiting and it also creates division where there will be tension if there's like differences, and I think I'm more and more looking into ways where we can dissolve those borders and boundaries not boundaries because those are important, but like those, like hard lines that keep us from having conversations with people, and I think that's like a big issue in general, societally.

J.R.: 50:42

I like that. I feel like I've had the conversation before with a friend. But you know, a lot of stereotypes or generalizations are born out of heuristics, because it's easier for our brains to think of, to put people in categories and boxes, because it's like men do this, women do this and these people do this and this. You know right, but it's because our brains can't handle the nuance or it's just a shortcut, right? But then that turns into those generalizations, stereotypes, and it doesn't. It's not accurate, because life is actually very nuanced and it takes a little bit more brain power to have to understand that there's a lot of nuance in everything and it's stepping out of that, but also realizing that some people just don't care about nuance and they prefer the generalizations. It's like all right, fine, I guess. But yeah, do you have any favorite hot takes or something that you think most people won't agree with, or was that?

Murphy: 51:25

mostly it. Yeah, I would say that's. My hot take is let's stop, let's slow down on the labeling, basically.

J.R.: 51:38

Nice.

Murphy: 51:38

Nice what is one of the best or most worthwhile investments you've ever made in either time money, energy or et cetera, I would say, buying my friends food. I just really like feeding my friends and people. I love, and no amount of food that I give people has ever felt like a regret.

J.R.: 51:55

I like that, except for my ex, except for that one. If, if I could redo something, take back all the food. Nice, favorite recent purchase in the 50 to 100 range that has impacted your life the most in the last few months.

Murphy: 52:09

this is the capitalism question consumerism question, the consumerism question. Yeah, I go to Kura Revolving Sushi I love Kura. Yeah, and when I go there I usually spend about 60 to 70 bucks just on me. It's always a fucking good time. What do you like about Kura? There's a lot of options, it's interactive, it's exciting and you get to try a little of everything. And who doesn't like sushi?

J.R.: 52:36

I mean some people do, but I love sushi. Yeah, I mean I'm there with you, I like your answer. So, kura, you're welcome for the plug. The handful of people will be listening to this. Yeah, now I'm craving Kura. Yeah. I like it All.

Murphy: 52:49

Right, last rapid fire questions Favorite books, movies, videos, articles, media or anything at all that you share or recommend, the most definitely braiding sweetgrass, and also anything written by adrian marie brown. I'm like, oh, please do it. And also the artwork of yumi sakugawa is like just always spoken to me. It's so just beautifully connective and I like they also have a deck that came out recently called cosmic comfort, and that one is. It's just like such a beautiful way to just start your morning.

Murphy: 53:23

You just pull a card and it's like oh yeah that's what I needed to hear oh, so similar to like this your deck.

J.R.: 53:29

What was the artist's name? Yumi yumi sakugawa sakugawa. Okay, cool, I will just for myself to link that later on yeah okay, okay, all right, that is it for rapid fire questions. You ready for ending questions? So we always end with gratitude. Shout out to my mom what are you grateful?

Murphy: 53:44

for I'm grateful for my friends. I had a birthday party yesterday.

J.R.: 53:49

Oh, was your birthday recently.

Murphy: 53:50

Yeah, happy birthday, thank you.

J.R.: 53:54

You're old now.

Murphy: 53:55

I am 33. I love it.

J.R.: 53:58

Nice.

Murphy: 53:58

Other than the joint pain, everything else is great.

J.R.: 54:00

Oh, yeah same. I just turned 34, like a few weeks ago. So yeah, I feel the joint pain. It only gets worse guys, I'm sorry yeah.

Murphy: 54:09

Yeah.

Murphy: 54:17

I even love the silver, just like the white hair coming up and it's nice.

Murphy: 54:19

You said what was it? Just gratitude, gratitude, oh gratitude. Yeah, my friends, I was surrounded by my favorite people and I you ever feel that where you're like I could die right now, yeah, and I would be so happy. That's, that was the feeling I got. I got the feeling a lot, not because I want to die, but right right why have you kept going?

J.R.: 54:35

yeah, you already got what you wanted exits right there. Yeah, sorry guys, I need a trigger warning this episode. I apologize sorry, is that?

Murphy: 54:47

it anything else? Yeah, just gratitude for my friends, my cat, for my brother, just everybody in my life, and gratitude for the trees and the ground and the sky.

J.R.: 54:57

I love it all right, final ask from the audience or any final takeaways you would like them to have from this conversation final ask for from the audience from the audience, please oh like plugs and stuff.

Murphy: 55:10

Plugs exactly, you do it. Yeah, definitely check out. Like here is my clubhouse, is my handle for, especially if you're local and you're looking for a place to bring your friends and hang out and, you know, do crafty things, fun events, that's going to be the place where I post all the things and here is my secret is my Instagram, where I post more comics and stuff about emotions, relationships, mental health, all those things. So yeah, check it out.

J.R.: 55:37

And my deck is there too. Perfect, yeah, so yeah, that was. My next question was like where can we find you if they want to see what you're up to and want to connect? So we'll link all of your socials and websites. Any final takeaways you want them to have from the conversation?

Murphy: 55:50

Yeah, I would say let go of perfectionism, stop expecting perfection of yourself, of others, and be messy and have fun. Have fun, be playful, nice.

J.R.: 56:05

Yes, I like that, so that's a great way to cap this off. Thank you so much, murphy, for being here. I really appreciate it. I learned a lot from this conversation. I feel like it's genuinely given me a lot of insights to think about and just wrap my head around. So hopefully the audience, you guys, got the same and I know we have a lot we could talk about. So, again, as with all of my guests, if part two is in the cards, I think it'd be a lot of fun and we can explore more of these topics. So thank you so much for being here.

Murphy: 56:31

Thank you for having me this. Thank you for having me. This was so much fun.

J.R.: 56:34

Thank you, thank you, yeah, and so for my final sign off, this is where the music plays. Thank you guys for being here. I really appreciate it. Yes, be sure to like, subscribe, comment If you like this episode. If you want to just give a shout out, I will see it. And just a friendly reminder to always be kind to other people, especially yourself, and remember that you can always learn something.